Tuesday, October 27, 2015

7 Social Media Things to Stop Doing Immediately

Look, nobody likes being told what not to do. We get that. But the truth is, nobody will like you if you don’t stop doing these things.  So, for your own good, we encourage you to take a deep breath and change everything about the way you do social media. Right now.

We are aware that you love Buzzfeed, based on everything you like and share all day long. So we’ve made this into a handy, numbered list for your enjoyment.

1.Sharing mundane, completely unexceptional milestones in your child’s life.
Honestly, your friends love you, and they probably love your kid, but nobody cares what Baby weighed at the last appointment.  And nobody cares that Baby started eating solid food. And REALLY nobody cares if Baby had a diaper “blowout.”  
Here’s a rule of thumb: if you wouldn’t post these things about an adult, don’t post them about your baby.  Think about it.   
“My husband weighed 240lbs at his annual checkup today!" 
"It has been an entire month since his last big poopy blowout."   
"Watch this video of him eating his first solid food (he wasn’t a fan of peas!!!!)”

2. Selfies in the bathroom
For the love of god.  The bathroom serves a very specific purpose. Use the toilet, wash your hands, exit the room. We feel like we shouldn’t even have to say this, but DEAR GOD HERE WE ARE.

3Asking your friends questions that Google can answer
“Does anyone know if there is a coupon for Target online?” Google knows that. 
“Where can I buy specialized spices in my area?” Google knows that. 
“How much should I tip the pizza guy?” FREAKING ASK GOOGLE. 
What kind of ineffectual laziness is this? It is HARDER to post these questions in social media and monitor the answers than to ask Google. Also, all your friends will find out you weren’t tipping the pizza guy enough, and that’s just embarrassing for everyone.
(P.S. Don’t you friggin start with us on Bing.)

4. Sharing articles of questionable reliability
If you really want to be that person who shares potentially polarizing articles, it really is the LEAST you can do to make sure there is at least some merit to said article. Not sure if it’s real? See list item #3.

5. Picture/Status about what you’re eating for dinner
God. Just no.

6. Vague statements about being hurt/upset/stressed
Honestly, this is worthless. Know what would make you, and everyone else, feel better? If you just went and had drinks with your Bestie and vented about your crappy day. This is what we all did before interwebs, and it’s just timeless.

7. Diary entries in lieu of updates
"Today I went for a run, had a healthy breakfast, crocheted a Christmas gift, talked to a stranger in the grocery store about vegan dairy options, called my Doctor about that odd rash that won’t go away, and watched a squirrel cross the street!” 
Awesome. Nobody cares. Nobody has ever cared. Your dear, loving, grandmother couldn’t bring herself to care.

Don’t be that person. Be a likable one instead. 

7 Things You Need to Stop Saying

If you came to this blog for advice on saying the perfect thing at the perfect moment, my advice to you is "keep moving, pilgrim," We don't have a clue what you should say to make friends and influence people. We just know a few things you SHOULDN'T say. Here are seven of them:

1. "Irregardless"

This isn’t a word. Even if it was, can you stop and think for a minute about what it could possibly mean? “Regardless” means “without regard.” See, it’s like “regard” “less.” The other one, literally*, means “I don’t know words.”

2. "Literally"*

This almost never means what you think it means. Unless you think it means EXACTLY what you already said.  And if it does mean what you already said, then you already said it.

3. "I’m not racist but…"

If you ever have to start a sentence with this phrase, find a new sentence.

4. "Go Patriots!"

Please die.

5. "Go Yankees!"

Please Die Hard. With a vengeance.

6. "My wife/husband never…"

Don’t complain to your friends about your spouse. Don't talk to your co-workers about your marriage problems. You’d be pissed if you knew your spouse was doing the same to you. It won’t make things better. Only you and your spouse can make things better.

Also, your colleagues feel really uncomfortable when they hear about this stuff.

Also, your spouse sounds nicer than you. Stop making it sound like he/she might be available soon.

7. "I can’t even"

Then don’t. And “don’t” somewhere else.

Purpose Statement

No one ever asked us for words of wisdom. No one comes to us seeking life advice. We’re not experts. We don’t have impressive resumes and astonishing accomplishments. This blog isn’t meant to tell you how you should live. It’s only meant to tell you how NOT to live.

We don’t know what you should do. We don’t know how to bring about world peace. We just know a few things that every decent person should STOP DOING RIGHT NOW. 

This blog offers some short lists of things people shouldn't do. The lists are broken down into seven items for your convenience. If you stop doing these things, you’ll be a better person. Maybe not a lot better. But hey, at least you’re trying.

Maybe we’re aiming too high. Meh.